Yesterday... as I sat down to write my letter ... I loved that solitude time I spent thinking only of her.
Today I'm relishing in your very last day as a 1 year old. When you woke up I looked at you with glossy mama eyes and took a deep breath.
I wanted to be still in that morning moment...
Will it be the last birthday you wake up in your crib?
Arms up high.... reaching for me ---- with your messy hair from burrowing deep into your ca coon where all your BFF's sleep along with you.
"Out, mama" you suggest.
I sit for a moment in your milk-stained, light pink rocker .. before I lift you up and out.
I open the window shade, a cloudy & wet morning greets us.... much like the early days of your life when we lived in Seattle....
You plop back down in your crib.... back to nurturing your babies, your puppies and your beloved, Elmo.
Mothering you has been so completely effortless.
It's sincerely been the way you picture it - read about it - dream it - pray for it to be.
As I think back to those early days.... as you slept with me and daddy in the loft in Seattle ... I knew then, and would often dwell upon how fast that time would pass.
I knew you would begin to stretch out in my arms.... I knew those cherished moments of a tiny pink baby against my chest would slowly fade ...fade like a sunset on a beautiful summer's day....
You know it will disappear.... but if you look away for just a second ... it will happen without your permission. And you will be sad you missed it.
I've tried with all my heart not to "miss things" with you my sweet, sweet boo.
Since the moment you were born you've had an amazing purpose in my life.
If I could go back and have a little chat with myself .... I would say so many things, knowing what I know about you now.
We'd just gotten our bearings after moving across the country with your two big sisters.
You would have been so proud of them - they were handling the transition so well.... mommy & daddy.... well, we weren't as "adjusted" let's say.
But, we were giving our new circumstances our "all".... and trying to embrace the change.
Long about 3 weeks after we moved.... on a gray and wet Sunday morning in Seattle.... I learned {YOU} were inside of me...... already growing like a little weed.
I packed up your sisters and we set out for a long walk to the park. All the way I was thinking of YOU. Dreaming of YOU.
And, you.... YOU were changing my "unsettled" mama heart.
You were telling me... mama, it's going to be OK.... I'm here now.... you can relax and rest assured this year in Seattle is going to have amazing purpose.
My Ayla....... your wisdom in that moment has never ceased to amaze me.
Your soul so sweet..... your soft speaking voice and infectious giggles.
Your determination... my oh my... I can see now why God knew you were up for the job of grounding me in an uncertain time.
You will climb to ANY height (literally) to get what you want.....
Your sweet embraces and soft little kisses... your hugs and another hug and ONE MORE hug before bed send me out of your bedroom beaming every single night.
You love to pray. You fold your sweet little hands just before we say good night and sweetly say.... "mama, daddy, Riah, & puppies".... mama adds Kenna because you can't "quite" say her name yet, and then you say... AMEN.
Oh my love.... as a mother... I'm constantly saying a million prayers that I'm doing things right by you and your sisters.
God has often reassured me, though, as I watch how you love others.
It spills from your heart...
There's so much more I can say about who you are at "age two"...
Smart as a whip - waaaay ahead of your mama!
Funny. Hysterical, actually. You are always entertaining us and you KNOW you are funny.
Curious.... and into every little thing in our home. Nothing if off limits to you. I can't put anything high enough - you will get to it.
Good sleeper. Bless your soul. A nice afternoon nap and 10 hours at night. Thank you sweet child.
Sugar AND spice -- you are so very sweet... but you have a spicy side, too! Don't let us fool anyone!
Speaking of sweet.... you love all things sugar like your mama. If up to you, your diet would consist of that and only that .... shhhhhhhhh... don't tell the big girls all the treats I give you when they are at school! ;) You are a good eater though .. willing to try almost anything including our nightly veggie.
Determined.... to be like your big sisters. You won't let them get ahead of you... you are right there and into everything they are. Thankfully... they (mostly) oblige you.
Dancing queen ... when the music starts pumping you are swinging your hips like the best of 'em. You love to dance and recently, sing too!
You have changed and grown so much this past year.
I fight the tears as you go full speed ahead into age two.
It's happening.
I don't want to look away and miss it, but I have a hard time parting with my one year old baby.
I know it's time.... and just like before ... YOU are here reassuring me....
"Mama.... everything is going to be as it should be.... Everything is going to follow God's plan..."
And I can hear you say ....
"Tomorrow morning when we wake.... I'll be just about to turn two, and that's OK. I want you to smile and be happy and celebrate".....
God's timing. It is miraculous and I am a steadfast believer... He is always with us, here for us and entrusting us with his precious gifts.... even when we are unsure and uncertain if we can handle them.
And what a gift it is .... to be your mom.
Thank you, my Ayla baby, for filling my moments, my days, my LIFE with so much joy.
I'd be lost without you.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always... forever and EVER my baby you'll be.
I love you so much, it hurts.
Happy 2nd birthday Ayla Anne...
Your mama
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