On my heart.

Once in a while I sit down to write without knowing exactly what might pour out.

Today is one of those days.

I think about blogging almost daily, but so much else budges in line and sneaks it's way into my day.

Sometimes I think I need to focus less on writing about a particular subject and more about just our life.

Our day to day - because each one is filled with multiple subjects.

This past week has been a mix of love and snuggles and tears and struggles.

The hubs has been home with us, recovering from a minor surgery on his foot.

Timing is everything - as the twins fell victim to strep throat.

Daddy was already on the couch in prime snuggling position.

It was as if it was meant for him to be there.... to wrap his arms around two very sick little girls.

I tried to carry on the day to day -- trips to the doctor, to Target, the pharmacy.... lots of cleaning up and laundry.... and taking care of the baby girl.

And speaking of her....

My heart feels like it's bouncing around like the big marble in a pinball machine.

As I face my baby turning one.

Every newborn baby I see or read about has me instantly in a puddle of tears.

The memory of Ms. A's birth is so incredibly fond for me.

It was just me - and the hubs bringing this God given life into the world.

It's those moments you want and wish to relive over and over and over again.

Because they are both life defining and life changing moments.

The best kind of moments.

Moments that are simply so euphoric you'd give anything to be back in that space again... if even for a moment.

I jolt myself back to reality and remind myself these moments and memories are so pristine because they only come around a few times in our lives.

People ask me all the time if our family is complete.

I fall silent.

I am not sure.

How can I be sure.

Almost four years ago when I laid eyes on my first born, Ms. K....

I had no idea what was ahead of me.

No idea.

And -- I'm still not sure... because that is life.

We are not afforded the crystal ball to see what is waiting for us.

Or who is waiting for us.

That's the beauty of our stories.... they are being written as we are living them.

The tears linger behind my eyes now.. my throat tightens.

At the thought I simply can not go back and relive these first years with any of my babies.

They have come - and now gone.

But longing for the past -- or fretting over the future is not as we are supposed to maneuver life.

And I know that.

So I go about my day to day -- doing as best I can to keep the engine running, but stopping as many times as my heart's compelled to sit down and play... to hug and snuggle... to linger, so that later -- when the moments are different I will always have these newborn years in my heart.

I may wish for them for just one more day, but in truth - they will always be there.

I'll just have to dig a little to pull them out.

The hubs and I were deep in discussion the other day when he said something that's played over and over in my head.

"I'm not worried about dying, he said.... I just don't want the girls to be in this world without us".

Isn't that every parents greatest fear?

We just want our babies to be wrapped in love, never feel pain -- and always know we are here for them.

I've been a "stay at home mom" for the past four years and what I've finally settled into is... my title and/or job doesn't define me, but I define my job.

And the truth is - whether we work inside our outside our homes... our greatest and most important job is making sure our children feel loved.

At birth, at age one and for as long as we are blessed to be here with them.

I guess there's a lot on my heart today - and I've poured it out here.

It will help me to remember.

It will help me recall these moments when they are long gone.

And hopefully - when my girls are able to read this {someday}... they will know how much their mama longed to keep them little, but had to let go and let love carry us the rest of the way.

With love,
Cuz I'm the mama!