The second time around.

Well, technically -- I am a mother of three... but I feel as though I am on my "second round" of mothering.

I count the twins as my first mothering experience.

Ms. A - she's my 'second time around'.

As I nursed her at bedtime a few nights ago ... she fell into a deep sleep in my arms.

I gently turned her over and propped her up onto my shoulder.

She snuggled in hard.

As I began to soak her in ... tears soaked my cheeks.

I was present in that moment.

I was thankful, in that moment - as she's often too squirmy for settling down so peacefully in my arms.

My tears came because I know this moment in time is so fleeting.... and I wanted to be absolutely sure to remember the feeling of my baby in my arms.

My tears came, because, I have feelings of guilt recalling when the twins were infants like Ms. A.

Did I soak them in enough?

Did I take the time to cherish them while they slept?

It was hectic.

And rushed.

And I was so tired.

But - I am tired now, too.

I just see things more clearly.

In this mothering business.

It is exhausting - but that is never going to change.

Ever.

Until I take my last breaths - I will always be tired because my mind, thoughts and prayers will be working overtime for my children.

It's just that on this 'second time around' I see things more clearly - even though the exhaustion is still there.

I see that my newborn will quickly turn into a crawling and wiggly baby -- and my baby will quickly turn into a toddling one year old and my toddling one year old will turn into a toddler ... and then quickly into a {little girl}.

As mama's we struggle with cutting ourselves any slack.

We don't feel there is room for slack.

We want to be at the top of our game.

For it's the most important game we'll ever play.

It's the World Series, the Super Bowl, the US Open -- EVERYDAY, in mothering.

But what I'm learning ... ever so slowly... is when we are mama's on the 'first go around'... there  is just no possible way to know, understand or comprehend what is quickly approaching.

We think we are in 'the moment'.... but little do we know .... the next moment just may be the most exhilarating and/or challenging one we've faced YET.

I've said before -- I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to get this second time around.

It's changed EVERYTHING about me as a mama.

And so - as Ms. A slept on my shoulder I decided I would sit with her - rock with her - until she indicated it was time for me to put her down.  I was going to cherish every single solitary moment with her. I wasn't going to rush onto the next thing.

In the background I could hear the hubs getting the twins ready for bed, I could hear them giggling and splashing in the tub. I could hear the soft lullaby music playing in Ms. A's room and I could hear her breathing into my ear.

I could hear all these amazing sounds ... sounds I know will one day slowly fade from our home.

But, thankfully -- my "second time around" is helping me really listen to these sounds.

Soak up these sounds.... and little by little forgive myself for not always doing it the first time around.

For these are the moments I will be replaying in my head as I look back and remember what it was like when my babies were babies ... those special nights.... when snuggling took precedence over everything else.  And the tears flowed because, as mama, you know nothing feels better than your baby at peace against your chest.

Absolutely nothing.

And - I will remember.

With love,
Cuz I'm the mama!