One year of LOVE.

My dearest Ayla Anne,

Because of you, I believe in miracles.

I've always "said" I believed.... but now, since you came along, I BELIEVE.

As I reminisce about the events that took place during my pregnancy with you, I am reassured there is a God who was taking the very best care of you during a very hectic time for me.

We were planning a move across country, your daddy was graduating {again}, there was packing and plane rides where your sisters were so against sitting still - I felt as though I'd run a marathon upon landing, we were adjusting to a new home, daddy's hospitalization in Seattle, studying for and taking board exams, more plane rides, your sisters as sick as ever over Christmas, surviving the worst sinus infection of my life the weeks before you were born....

The miracle?

YOU.

You SURVIVED all of that craziness going on while you were growing inside me.

Such an affirmation ... when God has a beautiful plan - nothing can stand in the way.... if we just believe.

You've solidified the meaning of the word miracle, for me.

Just three short weeks after our move to Seattle -- we learned our family would be growing.

And from that moment on -- I promised to do whatever it took to take care of you.

Our year away from home quickly shifted gears.

We went from feeling far away from family - to rallying and taking care of each other.

We had a new purpose.

We had YOU.

With each monthly post I've written for you -- my love has grown exponentially.

There's no way to measure it.

I believe, when a family expands -- love is not divided.... rather the new baby brings love to the family and love grows.

Before you - there was no way I could understand that beautiful sentiment.

You brought more love with you than we could have ever wished or hoped for.

I can close my eyes and I'm right back in the delivery room in Seattle.

It took all day and night to finally meet you - but THE MOMENT I felt you against my chest I whispered the "mama promise" into your ear.

"I will never leave you, will always protect you and will love you forever, my baby".

Our eyes locked and I'll remember that moment for as long as I live.

And then we named you.... Ayla Anne and it suits you so well.

You were pretty shell-shocked, at first. :)

These last 365 days of my life...... I'd give almost anything to do them all over again.

I did not grow weary of any little part of it.

You are just a really, really good baby.

You and I have been almost inseparable over the past year.

When your sisters were off at pre-school, I was afforded very, very special one on one time with you.

These are the moments and the memories I will cling to.

Just the everyday things....

When you just newborn ... we'd spend all day SNUGGLING.

I'd wrap you tight and we'd snooze chest to chest.

I literally inhaled those snuggles because I knew it would come and go so quickly.

I'd have to force myself to put you down.

You slept just a few feet from us for almost 5 months... mostly swaying away in the swing.

Your daddy and I would watch you and marvel.

You've always been a great sleeper.  From early on you'd sleep long stretches, I'd nurse you and then you would go right back to sleep.

You started to show us your smiles and coos before we moved from Seattle.

I could not wait for everyone at home to meet you.

I knew they would just love you.

And I was right.

From early on - your bright eyes and little red tongue have been your trademarks.

As you grew - so has your personality.

You are a bright light in the room - you squeal and sing and talk in a high pitched tone.

You love to dance.

You are a mover.  You crawled at 6 months and walked just after 10 months.

As much as you keep up with your sisters -- you are also content playing on your own.

In recent weeks...... you've melted our hearts with your impromptu hugs.

With arms outstretched you come to us.

You definitely understand... touch, hugs and snuggles mean LOVE.

You've even starting smacking me on the lips.

It's no wonder..... since birth you've probably received over a million smooches.

You are so incredibly smoochable.

We call you our Gerber baby.

We call you our turkey -- because you can be a little bit feisty once in awhile.

You love bath time and story time.

You love your big sisters.

You can say "da da" and "ma ma".

You are curious and determined.

You know what you want and most often that's your mama. :)

You sleep with a blankie and a couple of soft toys.

You came into our lives at a time when we needed you.

You brought us new purpose and excitement and surprise.

Until the moment we met you we weren't sure if you were a blue or a pink!

Hearing my doctor exclaim... "It's a girl".... sent tears streaming down my cheeks.

A little sister for my big girls.

Perfect.

Throughout my pregnancy with you - I had many a daydream about being a mama again.

I wondered how I would make it all work.  I wondered if I was capable.

Shortly after you were born... a calm and peace cam over me.

It was hectic for a little while, but eventually I realized this was how it was meant to be.

I realized I am capable and that our family felt just as it was supposed to feel.... very busy, but FULL.

The reason the peacefulness came so easily was because you were so calm.

You were patient and that helped me be patient, too.

For many months you thrived on a full belly of mama's milk.

That was our time to escape the outside world.  Just you and me in the quiet.

Being given the chance to be a mommy again has changed every little part of who I am.

It's changed how I view myself and my purpose in this world.

I have a deep sense of gratitude for you my Ayla babe..... your timing in this life was perfect.

God knew we needed you.

He knew I needed you.

Tomorrow we will celebrate what a blessed year this has been.

But, tonight as I bathed you and put your jammies on - I wanted to stop time.

I rocked you for a very long time.

Time had no meaning.

I didn't want to let go...

You are showing us more and more "little girl" and less baby, these days.

It's hard to swallow as your mama.

As I've loved everything 'baby' about you.

The very best part is .. I know our love will only grow deeper as I watch you transform into a little person.

I can't wait to know you better... to hear your voice more often and to watch your sweet and sassy personality bloom.

It's what is the absolute best part about being a mama - we get the front row seat to it all.

Life has a very specific way of working out, my love.

And I hope when you're older and perhaps going through an uncertain time.... you can look back and read this 1st birthday letter from your dear old mama.

I hope it will bring you comfort... knowing... even in the midst of trying times... God does not and will not leave us.

In fact - it's then he's more present and taking better care of us than we even know or understand.

God always has a plan for us.

I hope you can read this and truly understand what amazing grace was brought into our lives with your birth - our angel - our Ayla Anne.

I read something recently and it reminded me of you:

"I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new... that's what faith can do".

With faith and God's love..... you were born into our family.

How lucky were we.

I love you sweet girl --  more than all the sand on the beach and all the stars in the sky.

Happy 1st birthday my baby love.

Thank you for being mine.... and for lighting up my world.

Those eyes and that tongue -- still gets me every time.

With love,
Cuz I'm the mama!