My absence

Hello my faithful readers,
I just sat down at the computer and took a peek at my blog....it's been more than 10 days since I've written a post AND I missed the girls' 19 month birthday. 

I wish I could say the girls and I have been so busy soaking up the spring sunshine that I've been unable to find time to blog.

Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Over the past week - the hubs and I have been faced with some pretty tough stuff.

Less than 2 weeks ago -- we were squealing with excitement!! Our LONG weekend in Scottsdale was right around the corner and we could not wait!! 

This was a VACA I'd been looking forward to ALL WINTER!!

A few days prior to our departure, however, we received some very sad news.

And so -- instead of heading out on our weekend away with great friends -- we would, instead, be attending not one, but TWO funerals.

The two funerals were not connected, but were both sudden and tragic.

The wind was out of our sails.... and we were not thinking about the vacation anymore, but feeling great sadness and grief and of course asking why?

And, whenever someone I know dies --- I can't help but think of all the people I love and how I want to bottle them up and keep them safe from harm.  I think this is a natural reaction to death for most people.

I wish it was that easy.....and in fact -- as hard as we try --- our time on this earth is not up to us. 

In the midst of moving through a very sad weekend -- we happened to be front and center to yet another major tragedy.

Between the funerals -- the hubs and I had some errands to run.  After finishing up -- we were sitting in our truck talking and getting ready to head back to our hotel -- when -- suddenly we heard a loud crash and watched a police car race by us.

Before I could even comprehend what was going on -- we were witnesses to a police chase that turned into a tragic accident.

The hubs pulled up close to the accident.  And before I could speak he was out of our truck and into the scene. I sat in the truck speechless while I watched him pull a man out of the van.  Later - my hubs told me he knew the guy was dead immediately.  From the first time he started checking for a pulse - there was no sign of life.

They did CPR for awhile and while my hubs sees this stuff DAILY at work -- somehow being on the scene was totally different for him. He felt completely helpless. He said that the man must have had a terrible head injury because his eyes they were fixed and dilated and he was not conscious at all. He had terrible injury to his lower body, too. There was just no chance of survival.

The man's wife was the passenger and managed to get out of the van but collapsed outside the driver's side door.  She was 8 months pregnant and the hubs was very concerned as she was having terrible breathing issues. By the time the paramedics arrived the hubs had determined the man was dead and urged them to work on the wife and baby.

The scene was unreal....onlookers, polices, paramedics everywhere.  It's hard to get that out of my head.  And, our vehicle was so close to the scene -- I watched it all unfold.

What is so difficult for me is that this unsuspecting father-to-be died because of a senseless act. The man the police were chasing was wanted on drug charges and he sped right through the middle of town and crashed into 3 unsuspecting cars.

We were RIGHT there. It was a chilly Friday afternoon -- dinner time. The couple was expecting a baby in a month with a new (still in the box) carseat in the back of their van.

The hubs wanted to do so much more - to help save the husband, but there was just no way.

And, we've learned of even more tragic news -- just last night we heard the baby died, too, after being delivered via C-section shortly after the accident.

After the paramedics arrived -- the hubs stepped back and let them do their job.

I watched as he just kind of walked in circles around the crash site.

He came back to the truck and we were both in a state of complete shock. 

How could this already horribly sad week -- be ending with MORE sadness??

We couldn't answer that question then --- and we still can't.

That is what is so hard for me.

I was telling a friend the other day -- perhaps if I knew exactly what heaven looked like .... it would help ease the pain of death just a little bit.

I know the Bible reads that we are all on this earth as long as He wants and needs us to be. 

And, then, he calls us Home. 

That should be enough to comfort my fears and curb my sadness, but in all honesty it's not.

I feel like this past week teaches us to cherish life, but I am left feeling so scared I'm going to lose someone else.

I know in my head this is not what I am supposed to take from all of this, but in my heart I find myself in the midst of great worry.

I am trying -- with everything I have -- to go back to the wonderful Homily about worrying I heard a few months ago in church.  It was such a comfort to me at that time....and now I am working hard to get back to that place of peacefulness.

I know God understands we will have moments in time when we retreat and forget to lay our worries on His lap.

I know He understands we all live with fears that seem way beyond our control.

And I know He understands -- I am slowly finding my way back to putting my worries in His hands ... and that it's just going to take some time.

With love,
Cuz I'm the mama!